I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Randomize
