I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
