Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Randomize
