in my opinion joe jonas is kinda pointless. hes just the pretty boy front runner.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize
