Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
She made me pour olive oil on her.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
Randomize
