i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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