just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Randomize
