If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
