Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
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