I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
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