No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
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