evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Randomize
