we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
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