It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
