My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
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