The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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