these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
