make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Randomize
