The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Randomize
