I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
