I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Randomize
