What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
