someone threw a dead crab at me
Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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