apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
