my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Randomize
