So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
