She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
