am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Randomize
