omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Randomize
