I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
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