I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Randomize
