Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
