I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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