i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Randomize
