Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
Randomize
