I cannot find my penis.
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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