if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
This girl is more easily done than said...
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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