saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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