How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
