She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
Randomize
