A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Two words: blizzard sex
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
