Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
