I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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