You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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