I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
