I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
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