My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
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