Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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