alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Randomize
