I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
