then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
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