he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Randomize
